For an average looking mentally unstable 21-year-old with a big nose, I am quite proud of the relationships I have been in. It is an open secret that the market for Oriya Brahman boys is rather limited given that most women outside our community have no training on whether the 'Janau Thread' stays or gets removed before and during the act of wild intrepid copulation. Add to that the skewed sex ratio in Orissa (933 per 1000 last I checked, from which if you remove women with moustaches, those that say ass-cream instead of ice-cream, or are madly in love with 'Absent Harry Potter/Darsheel Zafary look-alikes' and think 'Anubhav' is God’s gift to mankind you have like 3 left) and we aren’t left with too many options. That said, I have done well for myself across cultures and communities, despite the last 4 years being rather dry and depressing (God’s way of exacting vengeance for not following the 'What to do to your Janau Thread when you take a dump' manual)
Now, as Peter Parker's dead pop once said, with great relationships come even greater break ups. Having seen many of them during my lifetime (of other people :/), and with my last one ending before it even began properly with me being issued a potential restraining order valid across the European Union, (add to it a discourse on how 'There are other fish in the sea also') I consider myself a quasi-expert on how a man should cope with relationship distress. I really wanted to write something that would appeal to women (so that the gender ratio of this blog’s readership improves from its current Orissa
Don’t talk to your guy friends about it: Do not get inspired by rubbish movies like Sex and the City and think that talking to your friends about it at a round table over a Weekday Special lunch at the local Pizza Hut will help them relate to your pain. That movie is a con-job and Cynthia Nixon is lesbian. Seriously, guys don’t know shit about dealing with relationships. They will hear you out once, twice, thrice, even four times if they’re really close friends, but push them any harder and they will commit suicide listening to Justin Bieber in their dorm room. It is the age of Deepak Chopra and Dr. Phil, thus, you like everyone else has to “be positive!” even if you have testicular cancer. So really, save yourself the insult of being told to “Get over it” and “Move on” by your friends and focus on creating a plan to torture yourself to death instead. You don’t have to be the bigger person, as long as you don’t take your sad face to your guy friends. In short, just deal with it and act cool. No matter how lonely life is ahead.
Re-discover your porn stash: There are few things in life that will stay as true to you as your stash of porn. It is perfectly acceptable to dig deep into your reserve and watch your favourite poundings as long as they do not involve children. Personally, I would recommend sticking to Japanese porn. The plot is more robust, the gadgets used more fascinating and the woman for some reason is always a virgin. Also, even if you are watching it in full volume, people will think you are watching Shin Chan or Dragonball Z as long as your door is closed. Avoid black on black porn if you want to maintain your self-esteem and not feel bad about your comparative manhood.
Get a Playstation 3: I’m reminded of a line from the movie – Men who stare at goats – which went something like “He did what man has always done after getting his heart broken, go to war”. Unless you want to serve in the military (which you should, instead of participating in TV Shows on Bindaas and watching Fauji re-runs on Doordarshan), the only other way to recreate that amount of havoc and feel good about yourself is on a Playstation 3. Get Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. Better still; get a copy of Killzone 2. The visceral pleasure in killing one bad guy after the other will give you an unparalleled high when your ego has been beaten to pulp by the "3rd degree pessimist" lover. Besides, online multiplayer provides the option of “pawning” 6-year-old kids across continents who think they are gaming badasses just because they have a sniper rifle and a good vantage point on the game map. Nothing feels as good as lopping of a 6-year-old, headset-wearing prick with a solitary headshot.
Get a pet: Again, getting a pet is critical for you to get back your sense of comfort and loyalty. That said, you would have probably spent 20K on a Playstation 3 already so investing in a dog is probably not a good idea. They take too much time, space, effort and money. Cats are useless and will freak you out when you are crying yourself to sleep at night. The best bet is for you to get a bunch of Goldfish. They have just the right amount of cuteness and at 100 bucks a fish, cheaper than a Zinger Meal at KFC.
Beat up that Ex-Boyfriend who screwed up your entire life by being the Potter look-alike that he is: I am sure you must have been forced to be “silent” about a lot of people no matter how much they ticked you off because of your lover who still has feelings for them. Now is the perfect time to let them know your true feelings. Use brass knuckles for best results. And never think bad about pretty ladies with the word 'Gay' in their names. They are nice sweethearts :)
Join a support group: Remember - no matter how bad you might be feeling, there will always be a bunch of dumbfucks to look down upon who will make you feel better about yourself. I recommend reading some Deepak Chopra books to gain a better sense of self, joining some Art of Living classes and then letting your actual brain take over. The acute concentration of dumbfucks at a single point trying to relate to obscure bullshit geared to make money by playing to our idiocy will leave you feel more confident of your place in life while killing your hope in the progress of mankind. You can also call some banking / insurance call centre agents – make them feel like Christmas came early in the form of a client and then proceed to destroy their ego akin to Afghanistan as soon as they say “Special Offer just for you”
Take a trip: Travelling is always fun. That said, avoid romantic cities like Paris , Istanbul Thailand
Avoid the gym: For some reason, a break-up also provides a catalyst for men to hit the gym and feel better about themselves. DO NOT JOIN A GYM. Consider both options. One, you are emotionally distressed. When you go to a gym you will either be reminded of your past because of the incessant grunting noises, or decide to hit on anyone who looks at you twice. Either way, it is not the time for that kind of commitment. And, if you end up liking exercise, you will continue to work out everyday and turn into one of those big muscular men with decimal I.Q. Either way, your loss.
Suicide: If all else fails, commit suicide. There are over 5 billion people on this planet; one person here or there will not make much of a difference. As it is, no one will care beyond a week unless you have Michael Jackson-esque wealth. In addition, you will leave a sense of guilt with all those responsible for the full stop on your largely uneventful and purposeless life. So in the end really, you win.
*Joking*
People like me never really 'Win'.
Anyways, I have decided to kill myself on my birthday this year so that I go on a dramatic high note of being dead the same day I was born on.
Abhishek Bakshi
26/07/1990 to 26/07/2012
Sexy eh ? :D
P.S : Ata maaji satakli re ! *woof*
*Joking*
People like me never really 'Win'.
Anyways, I have decided to kill myself on my birthday this year so that I go on a dramatic high note of being dead the same day I was born on.
Abhishek Bakshi
26/07/1990 to 26/07/2012
Sexy eh ? :D
P.S : Ata maaji satakli re ! *woof*
No comments:
Post a Comment