I understand boning 2 chicks at once (wait, how?) is every guy’s ultimate fantasy. Or like, the ultimate fantasy is boning two girls in the middle of the Sahara desert while magically, no vaginas get sandy. But quite honestly, I’m a little sick of seeing guys get all air-humpy, goo goo gaa gaa-ing at the very mention of the word 3 way. Like, the sentence could be, “Dude, in the upcounTRY, WHEY is awesome” and the next thing someone says is “Oooh, three way” and then in general, IQs drop.
So, potential solution to this global crisis would be to get the damn process over and done with. Here are three ways to have a three way.
1. The Process of Elimination Method:
Time needed for total preparation: 6 months or more
Ingredients: That’ll ruin my punchline
This one takes a little time but hey, you’ve waited (hopefully) 25 odd years, what’s 6 months more. Here’s the dealio. Start out with making friends with a girl. And then making friends with her best friend. And then making friends with her best friend’s cousin. And then making friend’s with her best friend’s cousin’s best friend. And add another cousin in for good measure. You now have a group of one dude and five chicks. Now, retaining mystery is key to this next move. Have three of them shot. Comfort the two that are left (it would help if they weren’t related). Get a little alcohol in the mix. Boom. Done and done.
2. The ‘May As Well’ Method
Time needed for total preparation: 6 hours
Ingredients: You, two chicks, roofalin and money
I would say potentially the best way to go about this is to pretend you’re opening a bank account. Now, if you get a male banker dude, you may want to tighten up your acting chops in the spur of the moment and say you can only hear above certain frequencies so you’d need a woman banker chick. Also, make up a story for why you can only hear above certain frequencies, like you used to be in the dog rescuing business and male voices remind you of the bad male dog owners you used to come across way too often. This will prompt her to get her best banker chick friend to come by and both of them will go ‘awww’. Then they offer you water/coffee/platinum account etc. Say yes to the coffee, but only if they’ll drink it with you, because you can’t consume anything alone. Because in the dog rescuing business, whenever you ate alone, it made the dogs sad. Slip the roofies in their coffee. Wait for them to wake up (because it’s it when they’re awake!). Allow the Stockholm Syndrome to set in. And then be like, “Call the cops sure, but you’re here and you may as well enjoy yourself. Plus, the dogs…”. Boom!
3. The ‘When In Rome’ Method
Time needed for total preparation: 2 months tops when done right
Ingredients: Significant other, money, pens, letter paper, computer, internet, salt to taste
This one needs some suavity (no red squiggly line on that word? Awesome!). You need to be in a relationship for this one. Ask your girlfriend, if there’s one place in the world she wants to go, where would it be. Chances are, she’ll say something exotic, like Machu Picchu or Havana. Get a bunch of books on that place (not Lonely Planet, Frommer’s or any of the mainstream guides) and pretend to read them all. Have your browser history be websites of all those places. Also, in the meantime, go to Craigslist for that place and in the adult personal section, try to find a girl there. Be her pen pal. Be the best pen pal you could be. Always there for her when she needs you. Of course, have her letters come to your office address. Then take your girlfriend on that trip she so badly wants. And make her believe that in all the stuff you read, a three way in that country is a must. Tell your pen pal to join you for dinner (tell your girlfriend that she used to work in a company that supplied yours and you used to correspond). Tell the pen pal that since your girlfriend is in a foreign place, she’s feeling a little adventurous and come on, why would her profile be up in the Craigslist adult section anyway? Like I said, a little suavity but big bonus.
So there you have it. Go on boys, go wild. And let’s get low IQ about something else for a second…
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