Mukesh Babu !

You know the world is unfair when India’s biggest roughest most bad ass heroic and value based character actor doesn’t even make as much money as Chunky Pandey. Sure some character actors can ask and name their price (Think Naseerudin Shah and Om Puri). But even they have to undergo public humiliations such as Captain Nemo in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Old Man in a Shawl in JK Lakshmi Cement ka advertisement. But really – these guys aren’t even a speck on the grand daddy of them all we call Mukesh Khanna.

Mukesh Khanna has always been like the wildly popular local papdi-chaat waala in your neighbourhood. He’ll keep cracking away for years cultivating his profits and loyal following – but never ever be considered for a Michelin star. Thus in an effort to pay homage to him – and realizing he will only get a 100 word write up in the side bar of a newspaper on his death – I would like to highlight why he deserves to be India’s most popular and orgasm inducing actor.

Shaktimaan: Shaktimaan alone should be enough to make him India’s biggest superstar. But no – elitist bitches will refuse to accept him just because he is on Doordarshan and doesn’t wear shoes! Just because a superhero doesn’t wear underwear over his pants doesn’t mean he is any less! Just because he doesn’t wear shoes over his slacks doesn’t mean he cant run as fast! Just because he has brown skin doesn’t mean he cant kill white villains! Just because his outfit is maroon and gold doesn’t mean he’s gay!

Quoting Wikipedia:

Shaktimaan's seven gurus have blessed him with powers, even to rearrange the galaxies and merge the whole universe into one Galaxy. His powers have no limits. He can even separate his body into five different bodies of fire, wind, water, earth and sky. He can convert his body into light and flies with the speed of light. He can shoot laser beams with his fingers and can stretch his hand and legs. He is an expert of Judo, Karate, Martial Arts. He possesses power of telepathy, teleportation, X-ray vision,etc.

ETC!?! Do you know how freaking powerful you have to be to add an ETC after words like telepathy, teleportation and X ray vision?! It’s like me saying To have fun - I’ve got 5000 Ferraris, 4000 supermodels in my harem and Bill Gates to take my tech support calls ETC. He can take on the X-Men, Superman, Batman and Fantastic 4 in a Hell in a Cell cage match … make alloo bhaji for dadi amma AND shakti f*** his woman at the same time! Now that’s bloody power!

And you know which character beat the crap out of Shaktimaan in terms of outreach and popularity? That Keanu Reeves costume rip-off / gay as hell Krissh!

You know why?

BECAUSE KRISSH HAS 6 FINGERS IN ONE OF HIS HANDS!!!

Moving on to the other greatest character in the history of India.

Bhishma Pitamah: Let me just ask you one question. How did India come into being? And I don’t mean to say there was a Pangea and then continental shelves divided or blah blah blah. Were talking the ethos of India. The culture. The sabhyata. The history. The value system. Do you know where it came from? I bet you don’t – and here is the answer.

FROM MUKESH KHANNA’s SPERM!

That’s right. Mukesh Khanna was Bhishma Pitamah. The great grand daddy of the Pandavas. Do you know that if it weren’t for his seed – there would be no Mahabharata? Ok well technically – I lied. He vowed to live a life of celibacy – so the seeds were magical. He was just the Pandavas grandsire. But shit – without him there would be no great Hindu epic. No millions of Hindu kids with the names Arjun, Yudhishtir and Nakul (I'm yet to meet a Bheem or a Sahdev – the metrosexual Pandav).

He was cursed to have a life longer than the Earth itself but he couldn’t screw once. Mukesh Khanna got pierced by over 100 arrows and lay on the freaking arrow bed for over 15 days! Do you know how badass one has to be to have a freaking spear tip stick out from your “suraksha kavach”? I mean were not talking about a car steering dolu – his armour had a spear tip sticking out from over a shoulder!!Can any other actor or character ever do that?! Every other mythological character ever played by pseudo Ekta Kapoor models would do their own version of Draupadi’s vasrta haran at his very sight!

And you know what the BIGGEST BOLLYWOOD ACTOR could muster in his best historic act of love and tyranny?

Also – just compare Mukesh Khanna’s characters with Shah Rukh Khan’s characters on IMDB. Honestly – which out of these would you want your daughter to marry? Who would you prefer to save your sister from getting raped on the streets of Delhi? Who would you prefer to be your man?!

Bismillah Vs. Surinder Sahni
Inspector Liyaqat Khan Vs. Om Prakash Makhija
Mangal Singh Vs. Raj Malhotra
Thakur Raghuveer Singh Vs. Kabir Khan

Seriously – who do you think will get their ass handed to them? And if Shah Rukh Khan is the biggest most popular actor in the country – then Mukesh Khanna automatically becomes the same by beating his ass. BTW true story – I was at the McDonalds in Park Street in Calcutta once where 2 kids about 4 feet tall were both wearing Shaktimaan costumes asking for a straw. Not kidding…costumes! Not just a t-shirt or a schoolbag – I mean head to toe. Have you ever seen any Shah Rukh “costume” being emulated by dumbass kids who twirl on their rooftops and fall to their death hoping Shaktimaan will save them?

Before I finish – I must submit the following petition to the public at large in order to truly recognize the greatness that is Mukesh Khanna.

That people de-throne Shah Rukh Khan and install Mukesh Khanna as the greatest Bollywood actor. EVER.

That Mukesh Khanna represent India at the Golden Globes and Oscars from next year.

That Mukesh Khanna the human be forced to marry in real life to spread his seed of greatness.

That Mukesh Khanna – a blue belt in karate be forced to show off his action style kicking the crap out of Harman Baweja. Just for fun.

That a RPG video game of Shaktimaan be made for the XBOX 360 and Playstation 3 platforms.

He is without doubt - India's greatest human being. Ever.